Boundaries: It’s About You, Not About Controlling Others

Setting boundaries is a crucial part of maintaining healthy relationships, but it's important to remember that boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not about trying to control or change someone else’s behavior. Often, people confuse boundaries with ultimatums or demands, which can lead to resentment or misunderstandings. Healthy boundaries come from a place of self-respect and personal needs, and they empower us to communicate what we need without infringing on others’ autonomy.

When we set boundaries in a way that focuses on controlling others, it often leads to conflict. Instead of creating mutual respect, we might unintentionally put pressure on someone to act in a certain way that aligns with our preferences. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, express our needs clearly while acknowledging the other person's autonomy. Let’s take a look at some examples of what might seem like boundaries, but are actually attempts to control, and how we can reframe them to be truly about ourselves.

20 Statements That Look Like Boundaries But Are About Controlling Others

1. Control Statement: "You need to stop being so negative all the time. It's hard for me to be around you when you're like this."

   • True Boundary: "I need to take a break when the conversation becomes too negative for me, so I can stay grounded."

2. Control Statement: "You should stop canceling plans all the time. It really hurts my feelings."

   • True Boundary: "I feel disappointed when plans are canceled, so I need to make sure I’m clear on what I need before making new arrangements."

3. Control Statement: "You need to stop drinking so much; it's really affecting our relationship."

   • True Boundary: "I can’t be around heavy drinking because it makes me uncomfortable, so I’ll excuse myself if it happens."

4. Control Statement: "You must listen to me when I’m talking about my feelings, or I won’t talk to you anymore."

   • True Boundary: "I need to be heard when I express my feelings, so I’ll take a step back if I feel like I’m not being listened to."

5. Control Statement: "Stop being late! It’s so disrespectful."

   • True Boundary: "I need to make sure I’m on time for things, so if we’re running late, I’ll head out on my own."

6. Control Statement: "You should never tell anyone our personal business."

   • True Boundary: "I value privacy, so I prefer to keep certain things between us. If you share personal details with others, I’ll need to reconsider how I communicate with you."

7. Control Statement: "You need to stop being so distant, it's making me feel insecure."

   • True Boundary: "When I feel disconnected, I need to check in with you, but I also understand you might need space sometimes."

8. Control Statement: "You can’t talk to that person anymore. They’re bad for you."

   • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable when you interact with that person, so I need to limit my own involvement with them."

9. Control Statement: "You need to stop arguing with me. I can’t handle it."

   • True Boundary: "I need peaceful conversations and will walk away if an argument escalates."

10. Control Statement: "Stop ignoring me when I call. You should answer every time."

    • True Boundary: "I need to feel heard, so if you don’t answer, I may not try to reach out again until later."

11. Control Statement: "You need to stop being so stubborn and just do what I say."

    • True Boundary: "I need mutual respect in discussions, and I’ll take a break if things aren’t going in a direction that works for both of us."

12. Control Statement: "You have to go to therapy, or I’m leaving you."

    • True Boundary: "I feel like therapy could help us, and I’ll stay in the relationship if we can work together to improve it."

13. Control Statement: "You can’t hang out with that group of friends anymore. They’re bad influences."

    • True Boundary: "I feel uneasy when you spend time with those friends, so I’ll set limits on my involvement in your social plans."

14. Control Statement: "Stop spending so much money. It’s irresponsible."

    • True Boundary: "I need to manage my own finances carefully, and if we’re sharing expenses, I want to ensure we’re both on the same page."

15. Control Statement: "You can’t be upset with me for this, it’s my way or no way."

    • True Boundary: "I need to make decisions for myself, and I understand if you don’t always agree. I’m open to hearing your thoughts."

16. Control Statement: "You have to stay home this weekend and spend time with me."

    • True Boundary: "I value quality time with you, but I also understand you may need time for yourself. Let’s find a balance."

17. Control Statement: "Stop talking about your ex, it's making me uncomfortable."

    • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable when conversations focus on your ex, so I’ll need us to steer away from that topic."

18. Control Statement: "You need to share everything with me, I don’t want to feel left out."

    • True Boundary: "I need to feel included, so I’d appreciate it if you keep me in the loop when things are important to me."

19. Control Statement: "I don’t like your friends, you need to stop seeing them."

    • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable around your friends, so I’ll need some space when they’re around."

20. Control Statement: "You can’t work late anymore, it’s ruining our relationship."

    • True Boundary: "I need quality time together, and I’m feeling neglected when work takes up too much of your time. Let’s discuss a way to balance it."

Not Every 'Boundary' Is a True Boundary

Even if the word "boundary" is used in a statement, it doesn't necessarily mean that the statement is a true boundary. Sometimes, what appears to be a boundary can actually be an attempt to control the other person’s actions, thoughts, or feelings. For example, saying "I have a boundary that you need to stop texting me after 10 PM," may sound like a boundary, but it could be masking a desire to control the other person’s behavior rather than acknowledging your own need for rest or personal space.

To identify when you might be crossing this line, it’s important to check whether your statement is rooted in your own needs or in an attempt to change or manage the other person's behavior. A true boundary is about what you are willing to tolerate or what you need for your own well-being, not about forcing someone to act in a specific way. If you find yourself making statements that are more about dictating how the other person should behave or feel, it’s time to reconsider and focus on expressing your needs in a way that respects their autonomy while still protecting your own emotional health.

10 Statements That Use the Word “Boundary” But Are Still About Control

Here are 10 examples of statements that use the word "boundary" but are actually about controlling the other person’s behavior, along with alternative ways to express true boundaries:

1. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you cannot talk to that person anymore."

   • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable when you interact with that person, so I need some space to process my feelings."

2. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you need to stop being so negative around me."

   • True Boundary: "I need positivity in my environment, so I’ll need to step away from conversations that feel too negative."

3. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you can’t spend time with your friends without me."

   • True Boundary: "I value spending time with you, but I also need to respect your time with others. Let’s talk about finding balance."

4. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you need to share every detail of your day with me."

   • True Boundary: "I feel more connected when we share things with each other, but I respect your privacy and don’t expect to know everything."

5. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you have to stop spending so much time on your phone."

   • True Boundary: "I need quality time when we’re together, so I’ll let you know if I’m feeling distracted by phone use."

6. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you should never cancel plans with me."

   • True Boundary: "I get disappointed when plans are canceled, so I’d appreciate it if we could confirm things ahead of time. If we can’t, I may need to make alternative plans."

7. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you can’t talk about your ex around me."

   • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable when conversations focus on your ex, so I’d prefer we avoid that topic. If we can’t avoid the topic, I will need to step away from the conversation."

8. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you have to spend the holidays with my family."

   • True Boundary: "The holidays are important to me, and I need us to talk about how we’ll divide our time together and with our families."

9. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you need to stop being late to our meetings."

   • True Boundary: "I value punctuality, so if you’re going to be late, please let me know ahead of time so I can adjust my plans, or else I may need to leave if you haven’t arrived within 10 minutes of the time we agreed upon."

10. Control Statement: "My boundary is that you need to stop drinking when we’re together."

    • True Boundary: "I feel uncomfortable around heavy drinking, so I’ll need to excuse myself or set limits if that happens."

In each of these examples, the original statement attempts to control the other person’s behavior or choices. The alternative boundary statements focus on the speaker's needs, making it clear what they need for their own well-being without trying to change or control the other person’s actions. True boundaries are about protecting yourself, not dictating how someone else should live.

A Request Is Not a Boundary: Boundaries Are About You and Protecting Yourself, Not Controlling or Changing the Actions of Others

It’s important to recognize that a request is not the same as a boundary. A request is something you ask of another person, while a boundary is about defining your own limits for your well-being. When we make a request, we’re asking the other person to change their behavior. But a boundary is about how you will respond or protect yourself if that behavior isn’t respected.

For example, saying “I need you to stop talking about that topic” is a request. A true boundary would sound more like, “If this topic comes up, I’ll need to excuse myself from the conversation to protect my own peace.” The difference is subtle but important. Boundaries don’t require others to change. They’re about what you will or won’t accept, and how you’ll maintain your own emotional and mental health.

A key part of boundaries is recognizing how you will manage closeness or distance if they’re not honored. If someone continues to violate your boundary, it’s within your right to step back emotionally or physically, or even limit or end the relationship, depending on the severity. Boundaries are not about controlling others, but about deciding how you will take care of yourself, regardless of the other person's response. So, when you set a boundary, you're communicating how you will maintain your peace, and what you will do to maintain that peace, even if the other person doesn't follow your request.

When Boundaries Are Not Honored

If you state your boundary and make a request that is not honored, it's important to handle the situation with both firmness and self-respect. Here’s what you can do:

Reaffirm the Boundary Calmly:

Reiterate your boundary clearly and calmly. Sometimes people don’t immediately understand or respect a boundary because they may be caught off guard or not fully grasp its importance. For example, you could say, "I understand you may not agree, but I’ve made it clear that I need [specific boundary]. This is something I need to protect my well-being."

Observe the Reaction: 

Pay attention to the other person’s reaction. Are they dismissing your boundary, or are they engaging in a discussion about it? If they are dismissing or violating it, this might indicate a lack of respect for you or your needs.

Assess the Consequences:

If the boundary continues to be ignored, consider the consequences for not honoring it. You need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, which may involve stepping away, limiting contact, or making adjustments to how you interact with the person. For example, you might say, "Since my request isn’t being respected, I need to take a step back to protect myself."

Decide If the Relationship Is Healthy: 

If your boundaries are consistently disrespected, it may be necessary to assess whether the relationship is healthy or if it's causing harm. A relationship that repeatedly violates boundaries can be emotionally draining, and it’s important to prioritize your own mental and emotional health.

Self-Care and Support: 

After your boundary has been violated, it’s essential to check in with yourself and practice self-care. It may also be helpful to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist to process the experience and get guidance on how to handle future situations.

Remember, setting a boundary is a form of self-respect. If someone continuously ignores or violates it, it may be a sign that they don’t respect you, and it’s okay to re-evaluate the relationship to protect your well-being.

Boundaries are about understanding and communicating your own needs, without trying to control or change others. By focusing on what you need for your own well-being, rather than imposing conditions on others, you create space for healthier, more respectful relationships. Remember, healthy boundaries foster respect, protect your emotional health, and give everyone involved the autonomy to be their true selves. When you express your needs clearly and kindly, without imposing them on others, you set the stage for better, more balanced relationships.

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