In healthy relationships, expressing personal preferences is a natural and necessary part of communication. However, the distinction between sharing a preference and exerting control can sometimes be unclear, leading to misunderstandings and unhealthy dynamics. This confusion is further complicated by the subtle forms of manipulation that can disguise control as a preference, allowing one partner to maintain power without appearing overtly controlling. Understanding how to differentiate between these two is crucial for fostering trust, respect, and mutual autonomy in relationships.

 

 

Stating a Preference vs. Exerting Control

 

A preference is a personal desire or opinion expressed in a way that respects the autonomy of the other person. It’s about sharing what you like, dislike, or hope for, while remaining open to the other person’s perspective. For example, saying, “I prefer to spend Sundays together,” is a statement of preference—it conveys a personal desire without imposing a requirement.

 

Control, on the other hand, involves dictating or pressuring the other person to conform to your wishes, often at the expense of their own needs or desires. This can manifest in more overt ways, such as demanding certain behaviors or decisions, but it can also appear in subtle, insidious forms where the controlling partner couches their demands as preferences. An example of control might be saying, “I prefer we spend Sundays together, so I’ll be upset if you make other plans,” which subtly pressures the other person to comply out of fear of causing conflict.

 

You can read a more in-depth analysis of the differences between preferences and control, and how to identify the differences, at:

Is It a Preference or Control? How to Tell the Difference

 

Understanding the differences between preferences and control can be more apparent with specific examples. Sometimes these differences are fairly clear to identify.  Here are some more obvious scenarios that illustrate how preferences and control can manifest differently in relationships:

1. Dining Choices

• Preference:

  • Scenario: You say to your partner, “I’d love to try the new Italian restaurant downtown, but if you’re in the mood for something else, I’m open to suggestions.”

  • Explanation: Here, you’re expressing a preference while leaving room for your partner’s input, showing flexibility and a willingness to compromise.

• Control:

  • Scenario: You say, “We’re going to the Italian restaurant downtown. I don’t care if you want something else.”

  • Explanation: In this case, you’re not considering your partner’s preferences or needs, imposing your choice on them without discussion, which is a form of control.

2. Social Plans

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d prefer to spend the evening at home tonight, but if you’d really like to go out, I’m okay with that too.”

  • Explanation: You’re sharing your preference while still being open to the other person’s desires, allowing for mutual decision-making.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “We’re staying home tonight. I don’t want to hear any arguments about it.”

  • Explanation: This statement shows a lack of flexibility and disregards the other person’s wishes, which is controlling behavior.

3. Household Chores

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I prefer doing the dishes right after dinner, but if you have a different routine, we can find a way that works for both of us.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing how you like things to be done but are open to adapting based on what works for both people.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “The dishes need to be done immediately after dinner. No exceptions.”

  • Explanation: You’re insisting on your way of doing things without considering the other person’s preferences, exerting control over the household routine.

4. Personal Appearance

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I really like when you wear that blue shirt, but you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a preference while leaving the choice up to the other person, respecting their autonomy.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “I don’t want you wearing that outfit. Change into something else now.”

  • Explanation: You’re dictating what the other person should wear, not allowing them to make their own decision, which is controlling.

5. Spending Time Together

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d love to spend more time together on weekends, but I understand if you need some time to yourself too.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a desire while acknowledging and respecting the other person’s need for space or independence.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “You need to spend all your weekends with me. I don’t want you making plans without me.”

  • Explanation: This statement disregards the other person’s autonomy and imposes your desire on them, which is controlling.

6. Parenting Decisions

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I think it would be good to set a bedtime of 8 PM for the kids, but let’s discuss what works best for our family.”

  • Explanation: You’re sharing your view while being open to discussion and input from your partner, allowing for joint decision-making.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “The kids are going to bed at 8 PM, no matter what. That’s final.”

  • Explanation: You’re making a unilateral decision without consulting your partner, which is controlling behavior.

7. Finances

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I prefer that we save a bit more each month, but let’s review our budget together and see what’s realistic.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a financial goal while being open to collaboration and finding a solution that works for both.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “We’re saving $500 each month, and I don’t want any discussion about it.”

  • Explanation: You’re imposing a financial decision without input from the other person, which is controlling.

8. Social Interactions

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d prefer if we didn’t discuss our personal issues with our friends, but if you feel it’s important, we can talk about it.”

  • Explanation: You’re sharing a boundary while still being open to the other person’s perspective and needs.

• Control:

  • Scenario: “You’re not allowed to talk about our relationship with your friends. That’s not up for debate.”

  • Explanation: You’re imposing a rule on the other person’s behavior, which is controlling and disregards their autonomy.

 

The key difference between preferences and control is how you communicate and enforce your desires. Preferences involve expressing what you want while remaining open to the other person’s input and allowing for compromise. Control, on the other hand, involves imposing your will on someone else, often without regard for their preferences or autonomy. Recognizing this distinction is crucial for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships.

 

Subtle Manipulation: When Control Masquerades as Preference

 

In many relationships, control doesn’t always present itself in obvious, forceful ways. Instead, it can be disguised as a preference, making it harder to recognize and address. This subtle form of manipulation often involves framing demands in a way that appears reasonable or caring, but with underlying expectations that limit the other person’s freedom.

 

For instance, a partner might say, “I’d feel so much better if you called me every hour when you’re out,” which seems like a preference rooted in concern. However, the implied expectation that the other person must comply to keep the peace reveals this as a controlling behavior. The intent behind such statements is often to maintain power in the relationship by making the other person feel obligated to meet these so-called preferences.

 

These subtle forms of control are particularly harmful because they can be difficult to identify and challenge. The person on the receiving end may feel guilty or selfish for not complying, believing they’re simply meeting a reasonable request. Over time, this dynamic can erode their autonomy and self-esteem, creating a power imbalance that undermines the health of the relationship.

 

Subtle differences between preferences and control can be more challenging to identify, especially when the behavior is not overtly manipulative or domineering. Here are some nuanced examples that illustrate these distinctions:

1. Planning Activities

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d really like to go hiking this weekend. It’s something I enjoy and find relaxing. What do you think?”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a desire and inviting the other person to share their thoughts, showing openness to their preferences.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “We always do what you want. It would be nice if we could go hiking this weekend.”

  • Explanation: While this appears to be a preference, it subtly pressures the other person by implying they’ve been selfish in the past. It’s a way to push your agenda without overtly imposing it, leading to guilt or obligation.

2. Decision-Making in a Relationship

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d prefer to handle our finances this way, but I’m happy to look at other options if you have a different approach.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing how you’d like things to be done while remaining open to your partner’s input and willing to discuss alternatives.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “I’ve done some research, and this seems like the best way to handle our finances. I think it’s what we should do.”

  • Explanation: This statement subtly directs the decision by presenting your preference as the most logical or well-researched option, which can make the other person feel pressured to agree without fully discussing other possibilities.

3. Expressing Concerns

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d feel more comfortable if we could talk about our plans before making decisions, but I’m open to finding a way that works for both of us.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing your need for communication and collaboration while leaving space for your partner’s needs and suggestions.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “I just think it’s better if we always discuss our plans beforehand. It’s more respectful and avoids problems.”

  • Explanation: While framed as a concern, this subtly dictates that your way of handling things is the “right” way, which can pressure the other person to conform without room for genuine discussion.

4. Time Management

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d love it if we could spend more evenings together, but I understand if you have other commitments.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a desire to spend time together while acknowledging the other person’s schedule and commitments.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “It’s important to me that we spend more evenings together. It feels like we’re drifting apart when we don’t.”

  • Explanation: This statement subtly introduces a sense of guilt or fear of losing connection, pressuring the other person to prioritize your preference without considering their own needs or desires fully.

5. Personal Choices

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I like it when you wear your hair this way, but of course, it’s totally up to you.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing an opinion on appearance while making it clear that the choice is entirely the other person’s.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “You look so much better with your hair like this. It’s definitely your best look.”

  • Explanation: While this sounds like a compliment, it subtly pressures the other person to maintain that look to meet your approval, rather than allowing them full freedom over their appearance.

6. Handling Conflicts

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I think it would be helpful if we could sit down and talk through our issues calmly when we disagree. How do you feel about that?”

  • Explanation: You’re suggesting a way to handle conflicts that feels comfortable to you, while also seeking the other person’s input.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “We need to talk about our issues calmly. I don’t think it’s productive to handle things any other way.”

  • Explanation: This statement subtly dictates how conflicts should be handled, implying that any other approach is wrong or unproductive, which can stifle the other person’s preferred way of communicating.

7. Sharing Responsibilities

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’d prefer it if we could divide the household chores more evenly, but let’s discuss how we can make that work for both of us.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a desire for fairness while being open to negotiation and finding a solution that works for both parties.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “It’s only fair that we divide the household chores more evenly. I’ve been doing more than my share.”

  • Explanation: While this seems like a reasonable request, it subtly implies that the other person is not being fair, which can create pressure to comply without addressing underlying issues or considering their perspective.

8. Expressing Displeasure

• Preference:

  • Scenario: “I’m not a fan of this restaurant, but I’m happy to go if it’s somewhere you really want to eat.”

  • Explanation: You’re expressing a preference while showing a willingness to prioritize the other person’s desires if it’s important to them.

• Subtle Control:

  • Scenario: “I really don’t like this restaurant, but I guess we can go if you insist.”

  • Explanation: This statement subtly pressures the other person to change their choice by framing your dislike in a way that suggests they are being inconsiderate if they don’t accommodate your preference.

 

Subtle control often disguises itself as a strong preference or concern but usually involves implicit pressure, guilt, or an expectation that the other person will conform without true openness to their input. Recognizing these subtle differences requires careful attention to both the intent behind the words and the emotional impact they have on others. Healthy preferences involve clear communication and flexibility, while subtle control tends to manipulate the situation to align with one’s desires without considering the other person’s autonomy.

 

How to Differentiate Between Preference and Control

 

To distinguish between a genuine preference and control masked as a preference, it’s essential to consider the intent and impact behind the statement. Here are some key questions to ask:

 

1. Is there flexibility? A true preference allows for discussion, compromise, and mutual respect. If a preference is stated as a non-negotiable demand, it may be veering into control.

2. How is it communicated? Preferences are typically expressed with openness and a willingness to hear the other person’s perspective. Control, even when disguised as a preference, often carries an implied threat of negative consequences if not followed.

3. What is the impact on the relationship? Consider whether the expression of the preference enhances the relationship by fostering understanding and connection, or whether it creates tension, pressure, or a sense of obligation.

4. Is there an underlying motive? Reflect on whether the statement is genuinely about personal desire or if it’s being used to manipulate the situation or maintain power.

 

By being mindful of these factors, individuals can better navigate the complexities of preferences and control in relationships. Open, honest communication is key to ensuring that preferences are expressed in a way that respects both partners’ autonomy and fosters a healthy, balanced relationship. Recognizing and addressing subtle forms of control is essential for breaking down unhealthy power dynamics and building a foundation of trust and mutual respect.